


Jar Jar's Bizarre Adventure

by cowboychris



Series: A Series of Essays on the Relativity of Morality [4]
Category: Guy fieri - Fandom, Spider-Man - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bullying, Cannibalism, Daddy Kink, Death, Egypt, Gore, Multi, Murder, Mutilation, Piano, Smut, Travel, Vore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 15:41:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6121295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboychris/pseuds/cowboychris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dio kills Jar Jar Bink’s dad Bar Bar Jinks and Jar Jar must travel to Egypt to avenge him. This is the wacky family-fun adventure that ensues…</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jar Jar's Bizarre Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> just a side note i’ve never seen the star wars prequels or the anime jojos bizarre adventure   
> onnly half of cowboy chris has seen those two things ……… make of that what you will…..
> 
> the mystery continues,,,,…………

You sigh and get off the bus, and start walking home. It’s been a long day but you’re happy to finally get back to the Binks household, where you’re treated like family….and more…..sexually more….but that’ll all get settled later. You just want Jar Jar to run his fingers through your hair. You feel yourself salivating as you think of his sexy reptillian skin, and how he’s just been elected president of the united states.

When you get home, you are shocked. You see Jar-Jar, in his fancy coat and hat, standing over the body of his father, Bar-Bar Jinks. He’s covered in blood and shit and other unmentionable fluids, like mustard. Jar Jar turns towards you and mutters, “yare yaresa………meesa was hoping you didnt have to see this.” Ketchup drips out of his mouth as he speaks.

“Who could have done this?” you gasp, your mouth filled with drool at Jar-Jar’s massive sexiness. Jar-jar turns away from you mysteriously and whispers, “It was my old enemy, Dio Binks…he stole my grandpas body and did a bunch of other shit like making guy fieri gay, but thats not important. He’s back and we have to do something about it”

“What are we gonna do, Daddy?”

“Weesa have to go to Egypt and kinkshame him. It’s the only waysa to stop him. Gather your comrades, I’m getting my seX-wing ready.” You remember the seX-wing. it’s like an X wing but sexier. You have banged Daddy Binker multiple times on top of it. 

You pick up the phone and dial 666, the area code for Flavortown. A familiar, cheesy voice picks up on the other end. “This is the mayor, baby, what smokin’ hot recipe can I get you today?”

“Guy, cut the crap. We have a mission and we need to get the squad together.”

Guy’s tone becomes deadly serious. “What happened?” 

“Bar Bar Jinks… hessa… heesa dead.” Jar Jar whispers, emotion clouding his voice. A single tear runs out of his weird eye stalk thing. You put a comforting hand on Jar Jar’s huge Daddy bicep. 

“Do you know who did it?” Guy asks, shock and sadness in his voice like a spicy sauce. 

“Yes. It was Dio…” 

You can sense Guy’s anger through the phone. “That monster. We’ll have our revenge. Get the fucking guns.” 

Jar Jar hangs up the phone and presses a button on the wall. A hidden door opens up and revels his sex dungeon, filled with guns and other weapons used during his Sexual Adventures. 

“Weesa going to kill some bitches.”

–

You, Jar Jar, and Guy Fieri board a ship to Africa. You must pass the dangerous Atlantic ocean – it’s a terrifying trip. The waves threaten to consume your ship. Guy Fieri’s constant eating makes you seasick because it’s so gross. You barf, and he consumes it with some paprika on top. Finally you make it to shore and land in Madagascar. Tired, you all step off the ship, ready to get a drink.

You head to the nearest bar to get a drink to soothe your troubles. You all step into a bar named the “Poopy Scoopy” and sit down in a booth, looking around the establishment. As the name promises, the bar is extremely classy. Everything is white and sterile, monochrome. The ceiling is French Rococo style. It is a very beautiful building, with an in-house band and everything. A very attractive man with prominent bangs sits at the piano, not playing, but just staring at you. Shivers run down your spine. 

A waitress comes up to take your order. She opens her mouth to ask what you would like to drink, but before she can a red dot appears at her forehead. It’s a bullet hole. The lady collapses on top of your table. You, Jar-Jar Binks, and Guy all stand up in alarm. From across the room, the man at the piano with the bangs is gazing at you, a smoking gun in his hand. He has taken the first shot. 

Before anyone can act, he sits back at the piano and begins to play a simple melody. “Now dig on this…” he whispers. You’re digging on this, all right. 

Suddenly, it hits you. This is no ordinary stranger at a piano – this is Dark Tobey Maguire. His bangs say it all. He has summoned his stand, Dig On This. The piano melody hypnotizes you. 

Jar Jar, however, is unfazed. His hot Gungan stare focuses on Dark!Tobey. He summons his stand Bikini Babe. An incredibly buff figure rushes out at blindingly fast speed and starts pummeling Tobey, yelling “MEESAMEESAMEESAMEESAMEESAMEESA!” Tobey however was prepared for this and he dodges to the side as he flips his bangs, sending scalding hot hair gel flying towards you. It lands on Jar-Jar’s face and burns into his skin, and blood begins pouring out of his face from the acid wounds. Jar-jar collapses to the ground screaming in pain, and you feel your panties grow aroused, mysteriously. 

Guy Fieri screams in anger and summons his stand, SAVOR THE FLAVOR, summoning a massive grill. He starts chucking searing hot burgers, ribs, hot dogs, and other delectable meats, creating massive explosions and killing dozens of innocents throughout the club, showering all of you in gore and blood. Tobey however is as nimble as a spider and leaps out of the way of each one, and is completely unharmed as he pulls out a katana and slices off Guy Fieri’s goatee, the source of his power. Guy is no match for this edgy power and begins crying and eating cookies in the corner, shoving food into his mouth to fill the void in his soul.

You are blinded by your massive lust for Guy and Jar-Jar and are too busy fantasizing about a threesome to notice Dark Tobey sneaking up on you. He pulls out a pistol and puts it to your head, whispering “Good riddance” in that edgy voice of his. However just before he pulls the trigger, a slice of pizza flies out and smashes into Dark Tobey’s face. You see the grinning face of your old partner in crime, Tobey Maguire. He gives a smirk and mutters, “Pizza time!” You are so aroused right now holy shit.

Dark Tobey summons his mysterious piano and attempts to play, however before he can get his song out Tobey has already conjured up a full pie and hurls it at Dark!Tobey with devastating force, slicing his skull in half like it was made of cardboard. Dark!Tobey’s corpse falls to the ground, and dissolves into a pile of Linkin Park CDs.

You all get back to your feet, and Guy Fieri begins grilling up a celebration dinner. “Looks like I was just in time,” Tobey quips, “time for CRIME.” Tobey breaks into the vault of the club and steals several thousand dollars. You are all on the run for manslaughter, murder, arson, property theft, and several other crimes. This isn’t your first time being a felon, but god damn you’re so aroused by the thought of hanging out with the bad boys.

You dash into the border to Mexico, the land of tacos and Goku. Along the way you encountered Aaron Carter but you murder him without a second thought and dump his mutilated body into a ditch, the four of you piss on it and light a bonfire in memory of your lost comrade Tony the Tiger, who was killed in Vietnam.

You come into town, checking into a cheap motel and fucking Jar-Jar’s brains out while Tobey eats pizza and watches seductively. Suddenly you hear what seems to be a political debate going on, and the gang rolls out to the town square.

Donald Trump is there, leading a huge crowd in a political speech about how he wants to kill immigrants or something stupid. The crowd is digging it, but Tobey can’t stand racism because he was in the Black Panthers and got shot by a corrupt police officer. He grabs a pizza and throws it at Trump’s head, knocking off his toupee. With his hair gone, the crowds disperse and you are left alone in the Mexican desert, facing off with Dongo T'Runt. 

“You’ve done it now, you bulgy eyed freak of nature. My stand, JEB BUSH, will destroy all of you!” His stand appears, a mediocre looking white guy that mumbles something about running for president. Jar-Jar shoots it with a gun and it falls to the ground, bleeding out. Everyone just kind of stares at him, as he wheezes on the ground. Trump yells, “Jeb is a MESS” as sad air-horns play in the background. “Jeb is a BIG FAT MISTAKE.” 

Jeb lays on the floor, tears filling his eyes. He looks so sad. 

“Jeb is the weakest candidate on this stage BY FAR. Jeb is a MESS.” 

The air horns continue. 

“Jeb is a waste and everybody knows it.” 

Everyone is laughing. Jeb cries some more. You cry too, because Jeb is a mess. He’s a crying mess. 

Jar Jar summons his stand Bikini Babe and puts Jeb out his misery. Some air horns sound in respect for his death. 

Donald Trump narrows his eyes. “ヤレヤレ…” he coos, taking a small loan of a million dollars out of his coat pocket. “あなたはあなたの罪のために支払うことになります.” 

He stars throwing the money at you, and it cuts your skin. He’s throwing his 100 dollar bills at you so fast that they’re cutting your skin. 

Jar Jar sees this and screams. “YOUSSA WILL NOT HURT MESSA LITTLe KITTEN.” 

Jar Jar fucking unleashes his anger. He runs towards Trump and begins to choke him. Blood begins to drip from Trumps’ mouth. 

“Jeb is a MESS.” He screams while he chokes. “We will build a wall!” He then goes on to talk about how much he hates mexicans. He’s racist as fuck. 

The millions of dollars he has fly out of his pockets and fall all over the desert. He’s bankrupt. He’s been bankrupt like 7 times because he fucking sucks. 

Jar Jar rips out Trump’s eyeball and shoves it in his mouth, chewing on the gore like it was a gumdrop. Trump is screaming, the place where his eye used to be is now a bloody hole. Jar Jar pushes him to the ground and shoves money in the hole. It’s like, a really ironic thing to do. Because he’s rich. 

Jar Jar shoves money down Trump’s throat, which again, is really ironic. Trump is still gurgling his racist speech, but Jar Jar isn’t having any of it. He twists Donald’s neck and fucking rips off his head, which grows spider legs. Jar Jar drops the head in surprise, and the head scurries away, unable to be seen. However, Trump’s body is still moving, like a worm split in two. Jar Jar fucking stomps all over him, flattening Trump into a bloody pancake. He grabs parts of Donald’s organs and eats them, blood dripping down his beautiful Gungan throat. It makes you horny as fuck. 

Jar Jar can sense your arousal and pulls you down onto Donald Trump’s mutilated body. He pulls Donald’s skin off and covers you in it like a warm blanket. He feeds you parts of Trump’s organs like a mother feeding her child from the tit. 

“Daddy Binks…” You whine, shaking in arousal. “Please…” 

Jar Jar senses your arousal and peels Donald’s skin off of your body, as well as your clothes. He throws your bloody clothes elsewhere and grabs your hips, aligning his Gungan donger with your sweet puckering asshole. He fucks you relentlessly, Doland’s blood filling your asshole along with Daddy’s huge Gungan cock. 

“Yes, Daddy!!!!” You scream in pleasure, rocking your hips. 

“Youssa Daddy’s little slut.” Jar Jar screams, filling your ass with that Sweet Gungan Cum™. You scream in mixture of agony and pleasure, rubbing Doland’s mutilated organs all over your body in ecstasy. 

You both come down from your highs and put your bloody clothes on. You dress in silence, knowing what has to come next. You’re going to fight Dio.

–

When you finally arrive in Egypt, your entire group is trembling in anticipation. You’re finally going to see Dio, the man who killed Bar Bar Jinks – the man, the myth, the Gungan legend, the Vietnam war hero who still killed many innocent Vietnamese civilians. He was actually kind of fucked up. You ponder this for a moment… was Dio…. justified????

You pass over a large sand dune, the camel you are riding panting. It is so thirsty for water – you all are. You have been traveling for weeks, for MONTHS now, all for this one moment that is about to happen. Guy Fieri is sweating hot sauce. 

Finally, after you cross the next sand dune, you see him. Dio is standing there, waiting for your group. Everyone stops and gazes at each other. There is silence. 

After what seems like a few minutes, Dio finally speaks. “My bad.” 

Jar Jar nods in respect. “S'all good.” 

Dio nods, and all is settled. This entire adventure, all the lives lost, was for nothing. Fuck this adventure. Fuck Jar Jar’s bizarre adventure. This was bullshit. 

 

 

**EPILOGUE:**

Jar Jar hugs Dio, his long-lost twin brother. “Yare yare…” He says. “You fool. You absolute IMBECILE. You have fallen for my trap. You utter buffoon.” 

Dio gasps, looking at his brother. “What…” 

This was a trick! A set-up! Jar Jar reels back and…. 

Everything goes black.

**Author's Note:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G65pvuTFR_A
> 
> TO BE CONTINUED…
> 
> but not really
> 
> thank you to all the fans <33333 cowboy chris would be nothing without u guys<333 you inspire cowboy chris<333 the fan art has been wonderful thank u sm dudes.


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